When Trump Hosts SNL

Well it seems that despite our best efforts we are going to keep getting more of the Trump. This time as a host on SNL, which he is probably more suited for than behind a podium at the presidential debate.

So many scenarios could happen. So many things could be said. So much of the Trump. So much stuff. Here’s what I expect:

1. A Fox Newsroom sketch. Possibly ending with Megan Kelly in a Jell-O fight.

2. A Trump as the actual president sketch. Probably ending in Megan Kelly in a Jell-O fight.

3. A porn sketch featuring Trump and Trump’s Hair.

4. I don’t want Ivanka involved in any way, but come on.

5. At least three you’re fired‘s.

6.  Musical guest Bette Midler.

7.  I’d just like to see one sketch with Trump dressed up as Hilary Clinton. Don’t ask me why. Maybe a mile in her shoes or something…

8.  A sketch in which Trump plays a middle school teacher and must tell young girls they’re the bright future leaders of the world. If he laughs, he gets slapped with a ruler.

9. The Weekend Update featuring no Trump news.

10. At the end it’s just an episode of The Twilight Zone and Trump is actually just a permutation of that dream everyone has where their teeth fall out.

Types of Guys At Your Local Dive

For your convenience I have cataloged and organized all men found in bars. Yes, yes, you are very welcome. This list is the product of extensive observation, and maybe some hands on research.

The Brewmaster 

We find this particular species of male very appealing. Except those of us who prefer 5 o’clock shadows to beards. These men are always bearded. Their beards always groomed to look like they get pasted on in the morning. Just like their perfectly waxed hair. Slicked back with what I can only assume is a container of crisco.

Oh, silly me, I almost forgot to mention why this class is referred to as “Brewmaster.” They brew their own beer.  And if they don’t brew their own beer, they are on their way to brewing their own beer. They have Brewing for Dummies and some expensive coffee table book about beer probably called Hops to It that they bought at Urban Outfitters.

Tip: to get in his good graces buy him a denim shirt. He likes that.

Turn ons: wheat and barber’s poles.

Caution: may be mistaken for an Amish field worker.

The Finance Bro

Finance Bro is in a suit because it’s a weekday and after graduating from some college in the midwest he now sits behind a desk talking about numbers and dreaming about sorority girls and beer. His shirt is probably a little wrinkled and his mom may or may not have purchased that suit for him with coupons at Macy’s. Finance Bro is on his way to  lot of money. Currently, he has enough to live on his own somewhere in Manhattan but instead lives in a two-bedroom with three of his other bros and their dead plant.

Tip: Find another man to keep you company during the month of March.

Turn ons: Greek letters and keystone light.

Black Cat Hipster 

Not usually found in social settings. But if you are lucky you may spot this rare breed at the far corner of the bar nursing a  beer and sticking his finger though his plum-sized ear gage. Sometimes he’s hard to see in black skinny jeans he brought at Buffalo Exchange’s women’s section, a black hoodie, and black cap. A light must be shown directly onto his shadowy figure to make sure he’s human and not a smudge on your glasses or trash bag.

Tip:  Be careful not to startle him.

Turn ons: Not enough field research has been recorded.

The Broker 

I love these guys! These guys are super smooth. Cool cats. The type of guys that wear watches and have sleeves that are different patterns than the rest of their shirt.   Their cellphones are glued to their hands and often they pretend they have “big business” going on but really they are checking their newsfeeds and wondering what combination of 140 characters will let the world know just how hot of a deal they are.   Why are they at a dive? Because it’s shabby chic and therefore it’s in. But that’s a lie, really if girls are there…

Tip: Tell him he’s the Naked Apartments to the Craigslist men of the bar.

Turn ons: Brownstone porn and porn.

The Appie

Girls, he his fingers are athletic from all that late-night gatorade-fuled coding. He works for a startup and you can tell because he will always be talking about it. App this, site that. He’ll make sure to debug his game before your push fatigue sets in. Then it’s all Zuckerberg success from there.  Appie is smart. Possibly creative. And I’ve already mentioned the fingers.

Tip: Talk Xcode to him. C++ for nostalgia.

Turn ons: Squiggly brackets and backslashes.

It’s Pitbull! It’s Pitbull! Nooo It’s A Podcast

Don’t have a hilarious rambling post for you today. Nope. Instead I have the inaugural episode of a podcast I started called Fully Loaded.

Here’s about it…

Well hello there we are John and Daniella and welcome to Fully Loaded’s inaugural podcast!

Fully Loaded aims to be the chaotic love child of pop culture and excessive drinking. Each podcast will try to match up whatever thing we choose to talk about—be it the zombie apocalypse, sitcoms, video games, books, music that makes us vomit—with a fitting alcoholic beverage. Sometimes we get lazy and fall back on a poor man’s version of gin and tonics.

This week we bring you some Zombie chatter.  Mostly George A. Romero’sLiving Dead series with a sprinkling of some other popular Zombie films, and of course The Walking Dead.  

If you enjoy listening to our first ever podcast then stay-tuned because later this week we’ll drop some a recording of us watching Night of the Living Dead.

To learn more about us, stalk us, ask us questions, give us your love and devotion, you can find us at these convenient internet-located homes.

John Saavedra



Daniella Bondar



A List of Things That Make Me Nervous Indicating I Might Not Be Suited For This World

1. Women in Tory Burch flats

2.  Identical twins

3. Waiters/ Waitresses

4. Unexpected Siri interruptions

5. People with yoga mats

6. Restaurants without printed menus

7. Guys in long-sleeve tees

8. Botoxed women

9. Quiet talkers

10. Chain noises

11. Children on bikes

12. Jamba Juice boosts

13. Flavored teas

14. Umbrellas

15.  Whole Foods buffet

16. Dressing rooms with mirrors on the outside

17. Dogs in purses

18. E-cigarettes

19. Ladies of the night

20. Ordering cocktails

21. Dogs that look like their owners

22. Smalltalk with hairdressers

23. Jesus.

All The Times I’ve Handed Out My Business Card

This may sound like a ridiculous task: the cataloging of all the passerby I have courageously handed my card to and said “be in touch.” In truth, it’s not. People terrify me.

1. My Mother 

If I were to judge the stake in the corporation that is me, she would have the highest based on her collection of my baroque patterned cards.  She was the first one to  have any and carries them around in a green wallet she calls “Daniella Wallet.” It contains nothing but my business card and extra checks with my name on them in case I can’t get to a bank. So thanks, love you too mom.

2. The Argentine

Somewhere there’s a 42-year-old Argentine gentleman walking around with my business card in his pocket.  I wish I could say he was a business contact, but alas, no.  There’s  a place I frequent where the beers are cheap and the decor is trailer park strip club chic.  On one breezy night a few years ago I decided, under the influence of one gin and tonic too many, to head over to my spot alone in the night.  Although this particular establishment is near and dear to my heart I know better than to go alone. But I did. I ended up sitting at the bar and while a bustier-clad bartender served me drinks an older gentleman tried to pay for them.

The Argentine was soaking his troubles in a seven-dollar pitcher of Bud Light. He made passes at the bartenders he had come to know, apparently the far corner of the bar was a second home to him. After sometime, I somehow ended up rewriting his OkCupid profile on a beer-stained napkin. That’s when he asked for my number.  And the alcohol decided for me that it was safer to hand him a business card with only my number on it but every other possible way to contact me.  As you have probably already guessed it wasn’t the best of ideas and I had to stop going to my spot so often.  On the plus side he had thick hair, an accent, and is younger than my father.

3. The Filmmaker 

This is the closest my business card ever got to the hands of a business-like contact. He worked in a cafe/ coffee shop/ wine bar I liked to write in.  The more I went the more we got to talking. The filmmaker was working on sets and scripts and at the time I was working on manuscripts and teaching people what the Twitter machine does. He asked if I wouldn’t mind helping him learn about the ways of the Twitter machines too. So I spent the next few visits at the cafe indulging him the world of handles and hashtags. I, however, immediately regretted giving him the business card when he asked to meet me outside his place of work.  First it meant that I would have to meet him outside his place of work and secondly that place would be somewhere I had never been before, which caused much panic.   Of course I had no choice but to go, if not only for the fact that I planned on going back to the cafe and if I didn’t things would be pretty awkward.  I walked in and he was already there, even though I got there early so I could learn the lay of the land before he arrived and noticed my uncomfortable twitching.

The coffee only came in dirt-tasting and the only sugar-subsitute was coconut sugar which didn’t seem like something that actually existed. I sweated through the fibers of my half-priced Urban Outfitters tank and pretended to know things. We talk occasionally.

4. Three NaNoWrimo Participants 

For those of you who are unfamiliar with NaNo, it stands for National Novel Writers Month. It takes place every November. The goal is to write  50k in a month. Well, I am not a novel writer, and doing it once taught me that I never want to do it again. It was more a way for me to meet people with shared interest than to write a shitty 50k. I met a lot of people, most of whom cared a lot about  dragons and fairies and dragon sex and weird porn I’m sure. But I did meet a few folks who didn’t scare me and seemed rather pleasant and so in an attempt to seem acclimated and network I handed some cards out.

5. Friends 

Not just any friends.  Friends who I liked. Of course friends already know how to reach me,however, enchanted by the patterns on the back of the cards and the way they said ” Writer, Blogger, Pen & Paper Enthusiast” I felt the need to share them with those closest to me.  I made sure both of them got one.

6. Exes 

By exes I mean one ex. And of course I gave it to him for the same reason I gave it to my friends… the only difference was I gave him two. I wanted him to share them and also I think it was a matter of happenstance, he was here when they got delivered and how rude would it be if I kept them from him?

7. The Boyfriend

This transaction took place before the title relationship, I believe. And the reasoning behind it is still not totally clear to me. I believe I thought it was something people in Grad School do when they meet each other? Or maybe I just wanted him to have it. He keeps it in his wallet, I applaud him for that, it seems to add some girlish charm to the whole thing.

Confession: There’s Nothing Coming Out of These Obnoxious Headphones

I should start by saying I am always on a quest for tips to aid me in antisocial behavior. Not to fix it, to continue it.

My beloved and scratched iPod classic has decided to no longer play anything from the classic rock era. Which is ironic since I have been told by beanie-wearing fourth graders that my iPod is a product of the classic rock era.

So initially I did one of those fancy upgrades on Spotify. It turned out to be the most amazing thing ever. Like doing LSD with Bono I was high on beautiful days and living in a rose tinted world. But I soon realized, about a half a day after the thirty-day free trial, that I could not in fact afford to have such luxuries without selling my eggs.

Music-less and grumpy I wandered the city streets. Suddenly I began noticing that people were approaching me. Asking if I knew where they could find the nearest bar ( instead of taking three steps in any direction), wanting to know where I got my shoes, cat-calling, asking for change, making simple conversation. I couldn’t figure out what had happened. Always taking pride in my inapproachable nature, I was having a hard time dealing with the sudden misfortune.

Then I realized it was the headphones. The variable that had changed was my constant headphone wearing. I never left home without them because I always had my iPod playing the soundtrack to my life. I could no longer afford to feel the way having that background music made me feel, but I still had headphones. Though, instead of just sticking with my little barely noticeable ones I decided, instead, to get really obnoxious with them.

Now I never leave the house without my giant green heavy-duty make-me-look-like-an-audiophile headphones.

No one bothers me anymore. Everyone leaves me alone, just like I like. But jokes on them. They’re not plugged into anything.

10 Ways to Casually Pretend You Aren’t Poor

So I don’t know about you, but I’m poor. Not like I have a dog on a chain, dreadlocks and hang out in front of bodegas. But in the way that I have to pay tuition for art school and live in a shoebox I can’t afford.

I count my change and bring it to the Bank to get dollars. My laundry comes with me when I visit home because $1.25 a load is kind of pricey. But I don’t want onlookers in on my struggle so I have devised ways to fake monetary averageness.

1. For some reason people with credit cards always look to have more money? In reality they are probably poorer because they haven’t yet figured out a way to pay off that boozy brunch they paid for in plastic. But there’s a certain air about them. So usually I’ll cleverly and secretively hand them a buck fifty and then pull out my card like a rockstar and say “Here ya go.”

2. Never ask for receipts. Just memorize everything and write it down once you are in a safe place alone to make sure you are in budget and won’t have to turn your studio into a poor man’s Air BnB for the weekend.

3. Only steal sweeteners from coffee shops two at a time. My grandmother taught me to take handfuls but she doesn’t understand my façade of a lifestyle.

4.Don’t say “vintage” say “consignment.”

5. Wear a lot of old Christmas sweaters and tops your mom stuffed in the attic on top of each other, it’ll seem your wardrobe is exclusively from Urban Outfitters.

6. When you’re friends come over put your $10.00 gin in a pitcher. Classier than putting a handle on the table and you can tell them it’s Tanqueray.

7. Have Emily Post’s Etiquette casually on your book shelf so you give off the impression you know what etiquette means. Also, maybe you were a debutant.

8. Carry your giant purse in the crack of your elbow. I don’t know why but rich women always seem to have their bags there. Like elbows were made exclusively to supply a pretentious way of holding expensive purses. In the process you will have to pretend that there isn’t excruciating pain crawling through your arm. Always have ice at home.

9. Post Instagram pictures of the one pricey cool item you bought on an impulse buy. Friends and followers will take it as a reflection of everything else you own making it seem like you are not eating generic brand cheerios and cottage cheese for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Keep posting with different filters.

10. Never say “unemployed” say “freelance.”