Types of Guys At Your Local Dive

For your convenience I have cataloged and organized all men found in bars. Yes, yes, you are very welcome. This list is the product of extensive observation, and maybe some hands on research.

The Brewmaster 

We find this particular species of male very appealing. Except those of us who prefer 5 o’clock shadows to beards. These men are always bearded. Their beards always groomed to look like they get pasted on in the morning. Just like their perfectly waxed hair. Slicked back with what I can only assume is a container of crisco.

Oh, silly me, I almost forgot to mention why this class is referred to as “Brewmaster.” They brew their own beer.  And if they don’t brew their own beer, they are on their way to brewing their own beer. They have Brewing for Dummies and some expensive coffee table book about beer probably called Hops to It that they bought at Urban Outfitters.

Tip: to get in his good graces buy him a denim shirt. He likes that.

Turn ons: wheat and barber’s poles.

Caution: may be mistaken for an Amish field worker.

The Finance Bro

Finance Bro is in a suit because it’s a weekday and after graduating from some college in the midwest he now sits behind a desk talking about numbers and dreaming about sorority girls and beer. His shirt is probably a little wrinkled and his mom may or may not have purchased that suit for him with coupons at Macy’s. Finance Bro is on his way to  lot of money. Currently, he has enough to live on his own somewhere in Manhattan but instead lives in a two-bedroom with three of his other bros and their dead plant.

Tip: Find another man to keep you company during the month of March.

Turn ons: Greek letters and keystone light.

Black Cat Hipster 

Not usually found in social settings. But if you are lucky you may spot this rare breed at the far corner of the bar nursing a  beer and sticking his finger though his plum-sized ear gage. Sometimes he’s hard to see in black skinny jeans he brought at Buffalo Exchange’s women’s section, a black hoodie, and black cap. A light must be shown directly onto his shadowy figure to make sure he’s human and not a smudge on your glasses or trash bag.

Tip:  Be careful not to startle him.

Turn ons: Not enough field research has been recorded.

The Broker 

I love these guys! These guys are super smooth. Cool cats. The type of guys that wear watches and have sleeves that are different patterns than the rest of their shirt.   Their cellphones are glued to their hands and often they pretend they have “big business” going on but really they are checking their newsfeeds and wondering what combination of 140 characters will let the world know just how hot of a deal they are.   Why are they at a dive? Because it’s shabby chic and therefore it’s in. But that’s a lie, really if girls are there…

Tip: Tell him he’s the Naked Apartments to the Craigslist men of the bar.

Turn ons: Brownstone porn and porn.

The Appie

Girls, he his fingers are athletic from all that late-night gatorade-fuled coding. He works for a startup and you can tell because he will always be talking about it. App this, site that. He’ll make sure to debug his game before your push fatigue sets in. Then it’s all Zuckerberg success from there.  Appie is smart. Possibly creative. And I’ve already mentioned the fingers.

Tip: Talk Xcode to him. C++ for nostalgia.

Turn ons: Squiggly brackets and backslashes.

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