Confession: There’s Nothing Coming Out of These Obnoxious Headphones

I should start by saying I am always on a quest for tips to aid me in antisocial behavior. Not to fix it, to continue it.

My beloved and scratched iPod classic has decided to no longer play anything from the classic rock era. Which is ironic since I have been told by beanie-wearing fourth graders that my iPod is a product of the classic rock era.

So initially I did one of those fancy upgrades on Spotify. It turned out to be the most amazing thing ever. Like doing LSD with Bono I was high on beautiful days and living in a rose tinted world. But I soon realized, about a half a day after the thirty-day free trial, that I could not in fact afford to have such luxuries without selling my eggs.

Music-less and grumpy I wandered the city streets. Suddenly I began noticing that people were approaching me. Asking if I knew where they could find the nearest bar ( instead of taking three steps in any direction), wanting to know where I got my shoes, cat-calling, asking for change, making simple conversation. I couldn’t figure out what had happened. Always taking pride in my inapproachable nature, I was having a hard time dealing with the sudden misfortune.

Then I realized it was the headphones. The variable that had changed was my constant headphone wearing. I never left home without them because I always had my iPod playing the soundtrack to my life. I could no longer afford to feel the way having that background music made me feel, but I still had headphones. Though, instead of just sticking with my little barely noticeable ones I decided, instead, to get really obnoxious with them.

Now I never leave the house without my giant green heavy-duty make-me-look-like-an-audiophile headphones.

No one bothers me anymore. Everyone leaves me alone, just like I like. But jokes on them. They’re not plugged into anything.

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