So I don’t know about you, but I’m poor. Not like I have a dog on a chain, dreadlocks and hang out in front of bodegas. But in the way that I have to pay tuition for art school and live in a shoebox I can’t afford.
I count my change and bring it to the Bank to get dollars. My laundry comes with me when I visit home because $1.25 a load is kind of pricey. But I don’t want onlookers in on my struggle so I have devised ways to fake monetary averageness.
1. For some reason people with credit cards always look to have more money? In reality they are probably poorer because they haven’t yet figured out a way to pay off that boozy brunch they paid for in plastic. But there’s a certain air about them. So usually I’ll cleverly and secretively hand them a buck fifty and then pull out my card like a rockstar and say “Here ya go.”
2. Never ask for receipts. Just memorize everything and write it down once you are in a safe place alone to make sure you are in budget and won’t have to turn your studio into a poor man’s Air BnB for the weekend.
3. Only steal sweeteners from coffee shops two at a time. My grandmother taught me to take handfuls but she doesn’t understand my façade of a lifestyle.
4.Don’t say “vintage” say “consignment.”
5. Wear a lot of old Christmas sweaters and tops your mom stuffed in the attic on top of each other, it’ll seem your wardrobe is exclusively from Urban Outfitters.
6. When you’re friends come over put your $10.00 gin in a pitcher. Classier than putting a handle on the table and you can tell them it’s Tanqueray.
7. Have Emily Post’s Etiquette casually on your book shelf so you give off the impression you know what etiquette means. Also, maybe you were a debutant.
8. Carry your giant purse in the crack of your elbow. I don’t know why but rich women always seem to have their bags there. Like elbows were made exclusively to supply a pretentious way of holding expensive purses. In the process you will have to pretend that there isn’t excruciating pain crawling through your arm. Always have ice at home.
9. Post Instagram pictures of the one pricey cool item you bought on an impulse buy. Friends and followers will take it as a reflection of everything else you own making it seem like you are not eating generic brand cheerios and cottage cheese for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Keep posting with different filters.
10. Never say “unemployed” say “freelance.”