What Happened When I Spoke to the Christian Grey ChatBot Using Chaka Khan’s “I’m Every Woman”

Current State: Eight Years Old

A few weeks ago I finished reading Amy Schumer’s “Girl with the Lower Back Tatoo.” Part of the memoir was Schumer copying pages from her teenage journal and then adding footnotes from her present self. It was both brilliant and hilarious and also something I have done within the pages of my childhood journals. So, now I am bringing it to the people and trying my hand and a little then and now.

January 27, 1998 

Yvette told me that she has a boyfriend from Titanic1 and also she has a boyfriend2. Every time she reads her diary she kisses the name David 3 and she also said that girls go to China to get their vagina4 and boys go to Venus to get their penis.5 

  1. 1. It was Teaneck, New Jersey. 3. True I was a very thorough child who cleaned my sneakers with 409, but I can’t remember why I felt the need to reiterate. My only guess is I had more to say and got distracted by a dinosaur fruit snack.4. When she told me this story behind the bushes at recess my reaction was, “Paper is very dirty you know.” 5. At eight years old, I actually spelled it “vegina,”  as if it were an elderly Russian woman. 6. Venus was actually “wenes,” I would say that is exactly how the information was relayed to me, but reading through my journals it seems that I had somehow adopted my grandmother’s Hungarian spelling in the reverse.  Other than “vegina” there were no “v’s” to be found.  I am most proud of my bluntness here.  No giggling around the bush. It’s all very matter of fact and I think it was the last time I said “penis” without laughing or gagging.

The Sexpert: My Uncensored Chat w/Nikki Glaser

Occasionally I’m allowed in the presence of greatness from the other side of my television screen or behind the steel-chests of security guards who have me in custody.  Luckily, for me, I got to chat with some greatness.

Nikki Glaser has always been a comedy icon of mine. Her new Comedy Central show, “Not Safe w/Nikki Glaser,” combines humor, perversion, feminism, and sex education in a wonderful little package. With the show rising to the top, I was glad to be given the opportunity to chat with Nikki for Den of Geek’s special edition magazine for San Diego Comic Con.

We talked about the show, Tinder, vibrators, and Rihanna. Here is the result of our chat!

Nikki Glaser Talks Not Safe, Tinder, and Women in Comedy



Current State in the Writing Process: Waiting for the Messiah

It sounds like completing your magnum opus would be a piece of cake, once you learn how to effectively work the term into everyday conversation. Surprisingly, though, I have found that is not the case.

So what do you do until it is magically complete? Until sudden fame hits you over the head with a sparkly rock? Well your first option —the one for the  type-A camp who find color-coated bookshelves arousing and always have their knives in the right slots— is to just keep pounding away at it. Lock yourself in a room, preferably dark with a little oil lamp and some sort of shawl. Drink a lot and just keep going. Push through the tears and the Carpal Tunnel and pray that gets you where you need to be.

The second option, and my own personal favorite, is to just wait for a miracle. Twiddle your thumbs, take long naps. This one also requires you to be in the dark because you can’t afford electricity. You can pray here too, but that’s just  extra unnecessary exertion.  Just to be safe, though, will it to be — with the least amount of effort — that some great power that exists in this universe  bring about some phenomenon in the form of you being able to do absolutely nothing and get everything you want.

I grew up orthodox, so naturally now, that I’m in my twenties, I am a quasi- atheist. It also means I am a foxhole believer. And sometimes my foxhole is just Mondays.




The Tumblr Machines

This is not a real post. This is one of those shameless promotional things in which I wave something shiny in front of your face and beg you not to turn away.

For a while now I have been doing this fun little thing in which I procrastinate writing ( and indulge myself) by making jokes about not being able to write ( it’s not at all funny). Anyway here’s an example:

Current state in the writing process: IMG_1688

Anyway, it has a Tumblr and Instagram home now and I would like to share it with the five people who read this site!

I cherish each and every one of you.