Current State: Eight Years Old

A few weeks ago I finished reading Amy Schumer’s “Girl with the Lower Back Tatoo.” Part of the memoir was Schumer copying pages from her teenage journal and then adding footnotes from her present self. It was both brilliant and hilarious and also something I have done within the pages of my childhood journals. So, now I am bringing it to the people and trying my hand and a little then and now.

January 27, 1998 

Yvette told me that she has a boyfriend from Titanic1 and also she has a boyfriend2. Every time she reads her diary she kisses the name David 3 and she also said that girls go to China to get their vagina4 and boys go to Venus to get their penis.5 

  1. 1. It was Teaneck, New Jersey. 3. True I was a very thorough child who cleaned my sneakers with 409, but I can’t remember why I felt the need to reiterate. My only guess is I had more to say and got distracted by a dinosaur fruit snack.4. When she told me this story behind the bushes at recess my reaction was, “Paper is very dirty you know.” 5. At eight years old, I actually spelled it “vegina,”  as if it were an elderly Russian woman. 6. Venus was actually “wenes,” I would say that is exactly how the information was relayed to me, but reading through my journals it seems that I had somehow adopted my grandmother’s Hungarian spelling in the reverse.  Other than “vegina” there were no “v’s” to be found.  I am most proud of my bluntness here.  No giggling around the bush. It’s all very matter of fact and I think it was the last time I said “penis” without laughing or gagging.

The Sexpert: My Uncensored Chat w/Nikki Glaser

Occasionally I’m allowed in the presence of greatness from the other side of my television screen or behind the steel-chests of security guards who have me in custody.  Luckily, for me, I got to chat with some greatness.

Nikki Glaser has always been a comedy icon of mine. Her new Comedy Central show, “Not Safe w/Nikki Glaser,” combines humor, perversion, feminism, and sex education in a wonderful little package. With the show rising to the top, I was glad to be given the opportunity to chat with Nikki for Den of Geek’s special edition magazine for San Diego Comic Con.

We talked about the show, Tinder, vibrators, and Rihanna. Here is the result of our chat!

Nikki Glaser Talks Not Safe, Tinder, and Women in Comedy




Current State in the Writing Process: Waiting for the Messiah

It sounds like completing your magnum opus would be a piece of cake, once you learn how to effectively work the term into everyday conversation. Surprisingly, though, I have found that is not the case.

So what do you do until it is magically complete? Until sudden fame hits you over the head with a sparkly rock? Well your first option —the one for the  type-A camp who find color-coated bookshelves arousing and always have their knives in the right slots— is to just keep pounding away at it. Lock yourself in a room, preferably dark with a little oil lamp and some sort of shawl. Drink a lot and just keep going. Push through the tears and the Carpal Tunnel and pray that gets you where you need to be.

The second option, and my own personal favorite, is to just wait for a miracle. Twiddle your thumbs, take long naps. This one also requires you to be in the dark because you can’t afford electricity. You can pray here too, but that’s just  extra unnecessary exertion.  Just to be safe, though, will it to be — with the least amount of effort — that some great power that exists in this universe  bring about some phenomenon in the form of you being able to do absolutely nothing and get everything you want.

I grew up orthodox, so naturally now, that I’m in my twenties, I am a quasi- atheist. It also means I am a foxhole believer. And sometimes my foxhole is just Mondays.




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The Tumblr Machines

This is not a real post. This is one of those shameless promotional things in which I wave something shiny in front of your face and beg you not to turn away.

For a while now I have been doing this fun little thing in which I procrastinate writing ( and indulge myself) by making jokes about not being able to write ( it’s not at all funny). Anyway here’s an example:

Current state in the writing process: IMG_1688

Anyway, it has a Tumblr and Instagram home now and I would like to share it with the five people who read this site!

I cherish each and every one of you. 


When Trump Hosts SNL

Well it seems that despite our best efforts we are going to keep getting more of the Trump. This time as a host on SNL, which he is probably more suited for than behind a podium at the presidential debate.

So many scenarios could happen. So many things could be said. So much of the Trump. So much stuff. Here’s what I expect:

1. A Fox Newsroom sketch. Possibly ending with Megan Kelly in a Jell-O fight.

2. A Trump as the actual president sketch. Probably ending in Megan Kelly in a Jell-O fight.

3. A porn sketch featuring Trump and Trump’s Hair.

4. I don’t want Ivanka involved in any way, but come on.

5. At least three you’re fired‘s.

6.  Musical guest Bette Midler.

7.  I’d just like to see one sketch with Trump dressed up as Hilary Clinton. Don’t ask me why. Maybe a mile in her shoes or something…

8.  A sketch in which Trump plays a middle school teacher and must tell young girls they’re the bright future leaders of the world. If he laughs, he gets slapped with a ruler.

9. The Weekend Update featuring no Trump news.

10. At the end it’s just an episode of The Twilight Zone and Trump is actually just a permutation of that dream everyone has where their teeth fall out.


Types of Guys At Your Local Dive

For your convenience I have cataloged and organized all men found in bars. Yes, yes, you are very welcome. This list is the product of extensive observation, and maybe some hands on research.

The Brewmaster 

We find this particular species of male very appealing. Except those of us who prefer 5 o’clock shadows to beards. These men are always bearded. Their beards always groomed to look like they get pasted on in the morning. Just like their perfectly waxed hair. Slicked back with what I can only assume is a container of crisco.

Oh, silly me, I almost forgot to mention why this class is referred to as “Brewmaster.” They brew their own beer.  And if they don’t brew their own beer, they are on their way to brewing their own beer. They have Brewing for Dummies and some expensive coffee table book about beer probably called Hops to It that they bought at Urban Outfitters.

Tip: to get in his good graces buy him a denim shirt. He likes that.

Turn ons: wheat and barber’s poles.

Caution: may be mistaken for an Amish field worker.

The Finance Bro

Finance Bro is in a suit because it’s a weekday and after graduating from some college in the midwest he now sits behind a desk talking about numbers and dreaming about sorority girls and beer. His shirt is probably a little wrinkled and his mom may or may not have purchased that suit for him with coupons at Macy’s. Finance Bro is on his way to  lot of money. Currently, he has enough to live on his own somewhere in Manhattan but instead lives in a two-bedroom with three of his other bros and their dead plant.

Tip: Find another man to keep you company during the month of March.

Turn ons: Greek letters and keystone light.

Black Cat Hipster 

Not usually found in social settings. But if you are lucky you may spot this rare breed at the far corner of the bar nursing a  beer and sticking his finger though his plum-sized ear gage. Sometimes he’s hard to see in black skinny jeans he brought at Buffalo Exchange’s women’s section, a black hoodie, and black cap. A light must be shown directly onto his shadowy figure to make sure he’s human and not a smudge on your glasses or trash bag.

Tip:  Be careful not to startle him.

Turn ons: Not enough field research has been recorded.

The Broker 

I love these guys! These guys are super smooth. Cool cats. The type of guys that wear watches and have sleeves that are different patterns than the rest of their shirt.   Their cellphones are glued to their hands and often they pretend they have “big business” going on but really they are checking their newsfeeds and wondering what combination of 140 characters will let the world know just how hot of a deal they are.   Why are they at a dive? Because it’s shabby chic and therefore it’s in. But that’s a lie, really if girls are there…

Tip: Tell him he’s the Naked Apartments to the Craigslist men of the bar.

Turn ons: Brownstone porn and porn.

The Appie

Girls, he his fingers are athletic from all that late-night gatorade-fuled coding. He works for a startup and you can tell because he will always be talking about it. App this, site that. He’ll make sure to debug his game before your push fatigue sets in. Then it’s all Zuckerberg success from there.  Appie is smart. Possibly creative. And I’ve already mentioned the fingers.

Tip: Talk Xcode to him. C++ for nostalgia.

Turn ons: Squiggly brackets and backslashes.