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It’s Pitbull! It’s Pitbull! Nooo It’s A Podcast

Don’t have a hilarious rambling post for you today. Nope. Instead I have the inaugural episode of a podcast I started called Fully Loaded.

Here’s about it…

Well hello there we are John and Daniella and welcome to Fully Loaded’s inaugural podcast!

Fully Loaded aims to be the chaotic love child of pop culture and excessive drinking. Each podcast will try to match up whatever thing we choose to talk about—be it the zombie apocalypse, sitcoms, video games, books, music that makes us vomit—with a fitting alcoholic beverage. Sometimes we get lazy and fall back on a poor man’s version of gin and tonics.

This week we bring you some Zombie chatter.  Mostly George A. Romero’sLiving Dead series with a sprinkling of some other popular Zombie films, and of course The Walking Dead.  

If you enjoy listening to our first ever podcast then stay-tuned because later this week we’ll drop some a recording of us watching Night of the Living Dead.

To learn more about us, stalk us, ask us questions, give us your love and devotion, you can find us at these convenient internet-located homes.

John Saavedra

@johnsj9

www.johnsaavedrajr.com

Daniella Bondar

@daniellarobin

www.daniellarobin.com

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A List of Things That Make Me Nervous Indicating I Might Not Be Suited For This World

1. Women in Tory Burch flats

2.  Identical twins

3. Waiters/ Waitresses

4. Unexpected Siri interruptions

5. People with yoga mats

6. Restaurants without printed menus

7. Guys in long-sleeve tees

8. Botoxed women

9. Quiet talkers

10. Chain noises

11. Children on bikes

12. Jamba Juice boosts

13. Flavored teas

14. Umbrellas

15.  Whole Foods buffet

16. Dressing rooms with mirrors on the outside

17. Dogs in purses

18. E-cigarettes

19. Ladies of the night

20. Ordering cocktails

21. Dogs that look like their owners

22. Smalltalk with hairdressers

23. Jesus.

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All The Times I’ve Handed Out My Business Card

This may sound like a ridiculous task: the cataloging of all the passerby I have courageously handed my card to and said “be in touch.” In truth, it’s not. People terrify me.

1. My Mother 

If I were to judge the stake in the corporation that is me, she would have the highest based on her collection of my baroque patterned cards.  She was the first one to  have any and carries them around in a green wallet she calls “Daniella Wallet.” It contains nothing but my business card and extra checks with my name on them in case I can’t get to a bank. So thanks, love you too mom.

2. The Argentine

Somewhere there’s a 42-year-old Argentine gentleman walking around with my business card in his pocket.  I wish I could say he was a business contact, but alas, no.  There’s  a place I frequent where the beers are cheap and the decor is trailer park strip club chic.  On one breezy night a few years ago I decided, under the influence of one gin and tonic too many, to head over to my spot alone in the night.  Although this particular establishment is near and dear to my heart I know better than to go alone. But I did. I ended up sitting at the bar and while a bustier-clad bartender served me drinks an older gentleman tried to pay for them.

The Argentine was soaking his troubles in a seven-dollar pitcher of Bud Light. He made passes at the bartenders he had come to know, apparently the far corner of the bar was a second home to him. After sometime, I somehow ended up rewriting his OkCupid profile on a beer-stained napkin. That’s when he asked for my number.  And the alcohol decided for me that it was safer to hand him a business card with only my number on it but every other possible way to contact me.  As you have probably already guessed it wasn’t the best of ideas and I had to stop going to my spot so often.  On the plus side he had thick hair, an accent, and is younger than my father.

3. The Filmmaker 

This is the closest my business card ever got to the hands of a business-like contact. He worked in a cafe/ coffee shop/ wine bar I liked to write in.  The more I went the more we got to talking. The filmmaker was working on sets and scripts and at the time I was working on manuscripts and teaching people what the Twitter machine does. He asked if I wouldn’t mind helping him learn about the ways of the Twitter machines too. So I spent the next few visits at the cafe indulging him the world of handles and hashtags. I, however, immediately regretted giving him the business card when he asked to meet me outside his place of work.  First it meant that I would have to meet him outside his place of work and secondly that place would be somewhere I had never been before, which caused much panic.   Of course I had no choice but to go, if not only for the fact that I planned on going back to the cafe and if I didn’t things would be pretty awkward.  I walked in and he was already there, even though I got there early so I could learn the lay of the land before he arrived and noticed my uncomfortable twitching.

The coffee only came in dirt-tasting and the only sugar-subsitute was coconut sugar which didn’t seem like something that actually existed. I sweated through the fibers of my half-priced Urban Outfitters tank and pretended to know things. We talk occasionally.

4. Three NaNoWrimo Participants 

For those of you who are unfamiliar with NaNo, it stands for National Novel Writers Month. It takes place every November. The goal is to write  50k in a month. Well, I am not a novel writer, and doing it once taught me that I never want to do it again. It was more a way for me to meet people with shared interest than to write a shitty 50k. I met a lot of people, most of whom cared a lot about  dragons and fairies and dragon sex and weird porn I’m sure. But I did meet a few folks who didn’t scare me and seemed rather pleasant and so in an attempt to seem acclimated and network I handed some cards out.

5. Friends 

Not just any friends.  Friends who I liked. Of course friends already know how to reach me,however, enchanted by the patterns on the back of the cards and the way they said ” Writer, Blogger, Pen & Paper Enthusiast” I felt the need to share them with those closest to me.  I made sure both of them got one.

6. Exes 

By exes I mean one ex. And of course I gave it to him for the same reason I gave it to my friends… the only difference was I gave him two. I wanted him to share them and also I think it was a matter of happenstance, he was here when they got delivered and how rude would it be if I kept them from him?

7. The Boyfriend

This transaction took place before the title relationship, I believe. And the reasoning behind it is still not totally clear to me. I believe I thought it was something people in Grad School do when they meet each other? Or maybe I just wanted him to have it. He keeps it in his wallet, I applaud him for that, it seems to add some girlish charm to the whole thing.

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Confession: There’s Nothing Coming Out of These Obnoxious Headphones

I should start by saying I am always on a quest for tips to aid me in antisocial behavior. Not to fix it, to continue it.

My beloved and scratched iPod classic has decided to no longer play anything from the classic rock era. Which is ironic since I have been told by beanie-wearing fourth graders that my iPod is a product of the classic rock era.

So initially I did one of those fancy upgrades on Spotify. It turned out to be the most amazing thing ever. Like doing LSD with Bono I was high on beautiful days and living in a rose tinted world. But I soon realized, about a half a day after the thirty-day free trial, that I could not in fact afford to have such luxuries without selling my eggs.

Music-less and grumpy I wandered the city streets. Suddenly I began noticing that people were approaching me. Asking if I knew where they could find the nearest bar ( instead of taking three steps in any direction), wanting to know where I got my shoes, cat-calling, asking for change, making simple conversation. I couldn’t figure out what had happened. Always taking pride in my inapproachable nature, I was having a hard time dealing with the sudden misfortune.

Then I realized it was the headphones. The variable that had changed was my constant headphone wearing. I never left home without them because I always had my iPod playing the soundtrack to my life. I could no longer afford to feel the way having that background music made me feel, but I still had headphones. Though, instead of just sticking with my little barely noticeable ones I decided, instead, to get really obnoxious with them.

Now I never leave the house without my giant green heavy-duty make-me-look-like-an-audiophile headphones.

No one bothers me anymore. Everyone leaves me alone, just like I like. But jokes on them. They’re not plugged into anything.

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10 Ways to Casually Pretend You Aren’t Poor

So I don’t know about you, but I’m poor. Not like I have a dog on a chain, dreadlocks and hang out in front of bodegas. But in the way that I have to pay tuition for art school and live in a shoebox I can’t afford.

I count my change and bring it to the Bank to get dollars. My laundry comes with me when I visit home because $1.25 a load is kind of pricey. But I don’t want onlookers in on my struggle so I have devised ways to fake monetary averageness.

1. For some reason people with credit cards always look to have more money? In reality they are probably poorer because they haven’t yet figured out a way to pay off that boozy brunch they paid for in plastic. But there’s a certain air about them. So usually I’ll cleverly and secretively hand them a buck fifty and then pull out my card like a rockstar and say “Here ya go.”

2. Never ask for receipts. Just memorize everything and write it down once you are in a safe place alone to make sure you are in budget and won’t have to turn your studio into a poor man’s Air BnB for the weekend.

3. Only steal sweeteners from coffee shops two at a time. My grandmother taught me to take handfuls but she doesn’t understand my façade of a lifestyle.

4.Don’t say “vintage” say “consignment.”

5. Wear a lot of old Christmas sweaters and tops your mom stuffed in the attic on top of each other, it’ll seem your wardrobe is exclusively from Urban Outfitters.

6. When you’re friends come over put your $10.00 gin in a pitcher. Classier than putting a handle on the table and you can tell them it’s Tanqueray.

7. Have Emily Post’s Etiquette casually on your book shelf so you give off the impression you know what etiquette means. Also, maybe you were a debutant.

8. Carry your giant purse in the crack of your elbow. I don’t know why but rich women always seem to have their bags there. Like elbows were made exclusively to supply a pretentious way of holding expensive purses. In the process you will have to pretend that there isn’t excruciating pain crawling through your arm. Always have ice at home.

9. Post Instagram pictures of the one pricey cool item you bought on an impulse buy. Friends and followers will take it as a reflection of everything else you own making it seem like you are not eating generic brand cheerios and cottage cheese for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Keep posting with different filters.

10. Never say “unemployed” say “freelance.”

Why Hello There

I have decided to make my triumphant  anti-climactic return back to the blogosphere. Blogging was my game for a long time until I gave it up to focus solely on my pretentious writing career.  But oh do I miss it, so I’m back. Ready for action, or to put action all over ya’ll.  Give you action?

Feel the need to emphasize that this is not an escort service nor is it OkCupid.

It’s a mess. Come here for comedy, fashion, advice on men in boat shoes, and maybe lots of booze talk.

Welcome.

All Best,

D